If a genie approached you tomorrow and granted you three wishes, what would they be?

“What’s a genie? Is that like a fortune teller?”
[After trying for about ten minutes to explain what a genie was I gave up and changed the question to “If you could have three wishes what would they be?”]
“Who asked the question again?”
[“Lizzy”, I respond]
“Oh. Ok, three wishes? Ok. Uh? Oh! The first, is to marry lizzy’s mother! He, he, he. The second… hmmm…. The second is go to the beach with lizzy, so I can see how she is built. The third…. The third… The third wish would be to find a good looking woman, like Lizzy, and get married.”
[I was going to mention how it might be a bad idea for him to be married to lizzy and her mom at the same time, but I figured who am I to ruin his dreams]

What's the best advice you've ever been given?

Johnny said:
“Don’t get married, go to the kingdom hall, be a pioneer.”
[I said, “But you got married, and are not a pioneer, why didn’t you listen to the advice that was given to you?]
“No one gave me that advice.”
[I responded, “But you just said it was the best advice you’ve been given.”]
“Well, maybe someone did tell me. I can’t remember.”

What do you want?

What if you could go back and watch Albert Einstein in action? How about ask King Solomon his advice on life? What about speak to Shakespeare about his ideas on love? Well, I can’t offer anything even close to that, but I can offer my Step-Great-Grand-Father, named Johnny. He claims to be as smart as Einstein, as wise as King Solomon, and as good with the ladies as Shakespeare. I continually question such claims, but that has never stopped him from giving me gems of advice and experience. I don’t want to be selfish and keep this majestic man’s mind all to myself, so I have created this blog to share him with the world! I know many of you will begin to read Johnny’s words of wisdom and ask, “Why can’t I ask Johnny a question, myself?” Well folks, you can! Send your questions to AskJiggadyJohnny@gmail.com. Ask whatever your heart desires to this sage among men. I will personally ask Johnny your question and give you his actual response. I hope you enjoy.

What I want to know is why is there a picture of sponge Bob in the background of Johnny's picture?

Johnny said:
“What picture?”
[I showed him the sponge bob poster in his own room]
“I don’t know much about that.”
[I asked, “Why is it up in your room then?”]
“I guess for the heck of it!”

Natasha asked, "Johnny, did you ever get with Lizzy's mom?"

Johnny said:
“No. Oh, the one I asked to marry me? I’ve never seen her. I don’t even know what she looks like!”
[I asked, “Why does that matter?”]
“It’s one of the key points! He, he, he!”

Spider asked, "Johhny, do you believe in alien's, UFO's, the Bermuda Triangle, and all that stuff?"

Johnny said:
“I don’t think so. If there were aliens they’d be down here circling the country. They’d probably drop a bomb on us. If there were aliens they’d be smarter than us.”

“Do I believe in the Bermuda Triangle? That’s a tricky one. Some swear to it, some don’t. We lost a lot of planes there. Could be bad storms or anything like that.”

Just Devin asked, "Johnny, what is your opinion on foot size, on girls?"

Johnny said:
“On their feet? The shape, I guess. Small or big, doesn’t really matter, because your feet are affected by how you're built. That’s what matters. The bigger a girl is the bigger her feet will be. You know it wouldn’t look good if a 6’ girl had size 5 feet. What matters is the shape of the body, not the feet.”

Ene asked, "What type of music do you like? Do you have a favorite musician? Why? Does the emo music aaron constantly blares ever get tiresome?"

Johnny said:
“Not Rock n’ Roll. To tell the truth the best music, I think, is Big Band. Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, my music. I like Bing Crosby because he was the first musician I ever heard. As a kid I heard him on the radio. He was #1. Sinatra wasn’t even on the scene. I like Perry Commo too. He sung slow songs. He was more of a slower singer. He didn’t sing peppy songs. Satchmo was good too. [Satchmo is Louie Armstrong, for those of you who don’t know] He was a good singer and a good player. Tommy Dorcy was good, because he played a slide trombone and had his own band. Dick Heinie was always a good singer, and played Big Band music. Frank Sinatra sang different than Bing. They each had their own style."

"I don’t mind Aaron’s music. It’s alright, but from a different era. Is your music country, Aaron? [No, I’ve never listened to country] I never pay attention, but your music isn’t bad. I like country music. Faith Hill, Reba. Reba, she doesn’t sing right now, because she has a show. I like the old timers, but can’t think of their names. Jerry liked country. [Jerry is my grandfather, and Johnny’s step son, who was a year older than Johnny] He liked Patsy Cline. She was killed in a plane crash.”

isitmorningglory asked, "Johnny, how did you get to be so wise?"

Johnny said:
“College.”
[I here reminded him that he never went to college]
“Oh? I guess it’s because I went to college.”
[I again reminded him he never went to college]
“Ha, ha, ha. I guess I don’t know…”

StephieeB asked, "Johnny, did you know you inspired a blog?"

Johnny said:
“No. What’s a blog? Is that like ‘Dear Abbey’?”

Elizabeth Platt asked, “Johnny, what do find most attractive in a man?”

Johnny said:
“I don’t know, I’ve never been out with men. What do I know about men? I was more interested in women, not men.” [I then asked why he said he ‘was’ more interested in women, instead of ‘is’ more interested]

“You know, ‘was’, ‘is’, same thing. I guess their looks are important. Education. Oh, he has to have shape. He can’t be fat. Girls don’t like it if a guy is fat. Just like guys don’t like it if a girl is fat. Back in my day it didn’t matter what shape you were in. I remember when I was 10… 15… 20…. No, I was 10. This lady came out and said she was “Miss Portland”. [Johnny grew up in Portland, Maine] “I said, ‘You can’t be Miss Portland. You’re too skinny!” She said she was, so I asked her if she wanted to go on a date. She said I was too young for her. He, he, he.”

“Back then it was more about shape. Now guys don’t want a girl with shape. They just want her to be skinny.”

Elizabeth Platt asked, "Do you like cream cheese on your muffin, johnny?"

Johnny said,
"I've never tried it. It might be good. I would have to try it and find out. I think it would be the same as having cream cheese on a bagel. There is not much difference between them."

Lizzy asked: "Does he like his muffins toasted, buttered, tasted and tosted?"

Johnny's responce:
"I don't like them toasted. I don't care if they are buttered. Why would I want someone to taste my muffin? What is tosted? I don't care what is on a muffin. I don't care what size it is. I don't care what it looks like. As long as it tastes good I like it."

Hanni asked: "Johnny you're a good-lookin guy. What do you find most attractive in a woman?"

Johnny replied:

“Love.” [I was afraid to ask him to elaborate on what he meant by ‘love’, so I let him continue]

“They have to look good on a bicycle. I remember when I was younger there was this movie actress who got into movies because she looked good on a bicycle. A producer saw her and thought she had good shape on the bicycle. Shape is important. She has to have shape, but NO FAT. But don’t let a girl fool ya. You don’t know what her shape really is unless you get her in a bathing suit. That’s why they have a bathing suit section in beauty contests, because the judges have to know the girl’s REAL shape.” [Here he gave specific examples of girls I’ve dated and whether he thought they had good shape or not.]

“She can’t think she is good looking. You know stuck up. They have to think they might be ugly, but you know they aren’t. That way, when you tell them they look good they really appreciate it.”

“She can’t think you should always be chasing her. The man should be the one to ask the girl out, but after that she shouldn’t keep making him chase her. If she does he’ll find an easier girl.”

“She has to have a good personality. You know, she has to give hugs. She has to care if you’re sick or tired. It’s good when she is a friendly girl. I like it if she likes everyone. Like that cocktail waitress that liked you Aaron. She was fun, AND friendly.” [The girl he is referring to is T from the earlier post. He’s still laughing at what he said to her]

“They should be educated. If they are over fifty they should have at least finished high school. If they are younger I think they should have gone to college. They need to be smart. That way you can have good conversations with them, and they won’t get boring. “

“They have to be between 5’6” and 5’8”, because girls look better when they are taller. If they are shorter than 5’6” they ain’t attractive. You know that Tom Cruise guy is under 5’6”? His old wife was taller than he was, and she looked good. A girl can be a little bit taller than a guy, but only about 2 or 3 inches, anymore and it doesn’t look good. Society makes people think that men should be taller, but as long as the girl is over 5’6” it doesn’t really matter. “

“Oh, ya! Also, they have to love ME! He, he, he, he.”